Friday, November 02, 2007

From an Email Tirade to Justin.

I've been faced with ennui, and my mounting frustrations in dealing with it. My problem is that my old strategies of dealing with it have left me with only one recourse - talking myself out of it by believing in what I am doing and getting back to writing and film-making, etc.

Barf. The email I am cutting and pasting below outlines my dilemma.

-----Original Message-----
From: Morgan, Tony (XXXXXXXX) [mailto:tony.morgan@XXXXXX.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 01, 2007 12:32 PM
To: Justin XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: Thursday

It's work, and life that's making me so. Normally, when I was either a
teen or a freelancer as an adult, these were my boredom-reducing
options:

1) Pick up an addiction! Super-easy, and totally diverting. Provides a
center/goal to focus on. And it's always about the short-term immediate
gratification, which is great. It started with smoking, and I moved on
from there to other things. I've been appallingly responsible for four
years now.

2) Find someone to obsess over who will not pay attention back, thereby
creating the need to create schemes/plans to win affection! This will
also incorporate elements of general pining and mix-tape making! An
oldie, but a goodie. Clearly, this is something that I had perfected
back in the day. But it's not always the other person getting in the
way, sometimes there are exciting, exterior and possibly even political
factors at play. For example, I had months of spinning over the Serb
when he had to leave NYC because he had to return to grad school, but
then there was the time we thought he was going to be deported back to
Yugo-land in the middle of the Kosovo War, etc. I was ready to go with
my clapboard suitcase to smuggle him back out of the country. But then
he got a job at Levi's doing financial models so nothing happened.
Boooooring. Anyway, There have been zillions of these fellas - either
they live in London, aren't over their ex(es), are way too damaged for
anything long-term, etc. Now (XXXX) has come along and completely
demolished this standby-of-standbys. He calls every night to talk, but
not too long. He brings donuts on Sunday morning because he knows I like
them. Granted, he also knows that a bitch is way more tractable when
powdered sugar levels are elevated, so there are his own interests at
play as well, but I definitely respect the strategy. He also tells me
every now and then, but not so much as to feel fake or gratuitous, how
totally hot he thinks I am. And again, I feel I must mention the
spontaneous calling on his part. So... that whole thing is chucked out
the window.

3) Find an abusive/horrible job sitch! Everyone is nice to me here,
likes me, and my boss just took me to a $900 dinner at the Wolfgang Puck
steakhouse in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. Blah. I do recommend the Kobe
beef sashimi, however.

4) Television is the best zoning out tool ever! Except when you are too
tired to watch it, and not even the pile of 200 or so DVDs in the living
room holds any attraction. Although I did watch Spiderman 3 last night
and I thought it was bizarre, and sort of an entertaining mess.

5) Read dense yet forgettable SciFi paperback novels with the door
closed while aggressively screening your calls! Again, a standby. But it
has lost its luster since I have realized I now live in my own apartment
and no longer need to hide from parents/roommates/the imaginary things,
etc. Plus my IQ has dropped since I moved to LA, so books are tiresome.
But I totally love the beach!

6) Go out clubbing a lot and get wasted! Turns out, we're old. I do not
recommend the moment when you realize you are dancing next to someone
who was born when we were in junior high, and "Love Shack" is a
retro-hit thing for them.

7) Feel crappy and obsess about lack of direction in career! Well AFI
nipped that in the bud, and even my experience last week as a sort-of
guest lecturer gave me a spark about the future. Plus I have Steven
Spielberg's direct line in my Outlook, so what the hell do I do with
that?

8) Write voluminous emails! Well, this one is still going on, clearly.

There's more, but I have to eat my breakfast that was delivered to me
and that I don't have to pay for.

Sigh.


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